I am not a girlfriend,
& I am not engaged.
Moving to the city of my dreams remains a distant hope, yet unclaimed.
I don't always like getting out of bed in the morning or how I look in the mirror. But I am here.
Here I am–
Waking up in a room that feels entirely mine, beside an orange cat whose presence I've yearned for.
Making my bed, topped with the weighted stuffed animal that my friend surprised me with on a brisk Monday afternoon in January 2022.
Pulling on my new black Glossier hoodie, identical to my twin sister's, I feel a sense of connection even in the little things.
Spraying the perfume I got to feel uniquely me; the bottle is almost empty.
Stumbling out the door, pulling on the Blundstones my Mom gifted me for Christmas last year, a day-long reminder of her support.
Here I am–
Dabbing my makeup on my face on my drive to work because I’m late, & there is only myself to blame.
At the stop lights, noticing the circles under my eyes are lighter than they have been in weeks.
Swiping mascara on my lashes– momentary confidence in appreciating the perfection.
Watching the drivers on the road, there are many more than there were as I drove the same ones in high school.
Wondering if they feel as late as I do;
as lonely as I do?
Here I am–
Pouring myself into each latte & tea at work, typing out an article in the quiet moments between customers, or reading a book a friend gave me because she thought I’d enjoy it, or journaling out my feelings.
Realizing, I am loved.
I am loved, but in a different way than I am used to. These past three years, I never had to tie my shoes or go to bed without my nightmares being kissed away. The grief of losing what I had has not gotten lighter; I’m just learning how to hold it a little better.
Here I am– Realizing I am loved in different ways.
One friend sends tweets that echo with belly laughs, & when tears stream down my cheeks, they send iMessage games, a comforting distraction.
Another comes by for coffee & a warm hug every week, despite a hectic schedule, reminding me that love knows no boundaries.
Two other friends join me in new places weekly, exploring not just the external world but also the depths of our spiritual, mental, & physical well-being. These shared experiences fill me with a sense of belonging.
Yet another showers me with Snapchat selfies & afternoon calls, bridging the distance with love's digital touch.
At work, co-workers gather for group hugs by the sink, a simple gesture that nurtures a sense of unity & support.
& my boss, the kindest man I've ever known, expresses his unwavering loyalty, offering to stand up for me even in matters of the heart.
When I return home, my dogs bound up to my car & peek into my windows.
I am met with warm embraces from my youngest sister.
My patient orange cat is awaiting his forehead kiss.
My parents make sure I eat, & my twin sister makes Mondays a delightful ritual of mocktail/cocktail indulgence.
Even another sister, who shies away from physical touch, surprised me with a hug & a kiss on the cheek last night, a display of love that spoke volumes.
At 2 am, my sisters gather at the foot of my bed or in the room next door, quietly scrolling with limbs sprawled across each other. Laughter bursts, sparked by a joke, a blunder, or recollecting a story.
& isn’t that what it’s all about? Aren't we all seeking connection, recommending books, & lending our ears to hear each other's stories?
Isn’t that enough?
How could we lack love when we are love?
How could we be alone when we are made up of little pieces of everyone that we love and have loved?
Amidst it all, love is the invisible string, binding us together, filling every void & mending every wound.
Here I am & it is enough.
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